I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
