Texts From Last Night

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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job

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  (312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job http://tfl.nu/iix6
  Replies (27) Good night (5078) Bad night (666)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

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  (+44): I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend http://tfl.nu/iyod
  Replies (17) Good night (3779) Bad night (1531)
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
  Replies (17) Good night (6633) Bad night (1157)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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  (606): Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens http://tfl.nu/90cr
  Replies (9) Good night (3776) Bad night (1041)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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  (404): You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up http://tfl.nu/mf69
  Replies (4) Good night (1016) Bad night (1718)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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  (205): I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment. http://tfl.nu/97ug
  Replies (4) Good night (1869) Bad night (562)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.

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  (574): I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her. http://tfl.nu/9498
  Replies (3) Good night (2029) Bad night (461)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...

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  (803): Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement... http://tfl.nu/7rvh
  Replies (13) Good night (1568) Bad night (948)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.

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  (954): Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something. http://tfl.nu/6993
  Replies (3) Good night (781) Bad night (844)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?

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  (253): How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head? http://tfl.nu/0ahi
  Replies (6) Good night (835) Bad night (629)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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  (215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand . http://tfl.nu/gg9e
  Replies (22) Good night (1175) Bad night (2920)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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  (417): I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning. http://tfl.nu/bwti
  Replies (11) Good night (1530) Bad night (551)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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  (412): I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all. http://tfl.nu/l8qc
  Replies (5) Good night (1171) Bad night (509)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
  Replies (6) Good night (532) Bad night (1275)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

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  (206): Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning. http://tfl.nu/yefg
  Replies (2) Good night (815) Bad night (397)

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