that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.