You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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