So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
