I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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