hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
