phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
