remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
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he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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