I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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