so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
