I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im holly from the hills drunk
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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