if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
