Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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