That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
