He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
