Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
