You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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