Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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