The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I need a burrito and a hug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
