I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
