A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
