did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
