Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
