My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
