youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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