I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
