why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
