My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
