I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
