I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
