I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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