Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
