i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
