definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
