broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i believe in u and ur pee
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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