my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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