i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Pooping to opera.
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