Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
