do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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