Capitaan dildo arrescate!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
