I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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