Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
