how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
