It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
