apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
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martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She needs sedatives and a leash
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He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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