A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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