my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
