It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
