a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
