You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
