If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
