I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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