I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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