I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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